Sunday, September 04, 2005

Can you make it after 11? The poolboy is coming to bang my arse off.

This post is alternatively titled "The Return of Mr Complicated".

I was woken by a text message at 1am today. It was from an ex known as "Mr Complicated", whos number I deleted from my phone nearly two months ago due to the fact that I was sick of the on again / off again casual sex / friendship thing that we had going on.

The Backstory: Mr C and I met about 18 months ago in the bar at my uni when I yelled at him because I thought he was checking out one of my friends. He joined us at our table and bought us beer and a couple of weeks later he asked for my number and called me an asked me out on a date. A week after our first date he told me that he didn't really want a relationship and that all he was looking for was casual sex. This was ok with me at the time and it went on for a couple of months until everything went to shit because I got too involved and he fucked up. Since then we have tried to maintain a fucked up sort of friendship which sometimes strayed into the realm of sex.

A couple of months ago I finally decided that what we had going on wasn't compatible with what I wanted both in life and from a partner, so I deleted his number from my phone and told him so. A couple of weeks after that I got very drunk one night and found a text message in my phone from him which had his phone number attached. I messaged him, and he messaged me and very soon what we wanted from each other was brought up. The next morning I told him that I wouldn't contact him again because it was apparent that we both wanted different things from each other.

Fast forward a month or so to last night (or, to be more accurate, this morning) when out of the blue Mr C messages me. Over several messages Mr C tells me:

  • that he needed the company of someone he trusted and he first thought of me,
  • that I was right and that we do "fit well together",
  • that he is sorry for the way he has treated me,
  • that he is attracted to me the way I was to him,
  • that all he wants is somebody who he can feel secure with, and
  • that he feels stupid because he has a girl (me) who wants him and he keeps pushing me away.

Apparently he was only a little drunk whilst making these declarations. When I saked what he wanted from me (at 2 am) I got no reply so I rolled over and finally went back to sleep.

At 8am this morning I received a message saying that he didn't just want sex from me, but that he didn't want a relationship at the moment either... which is obviously why he woke me at 1 am to declare everything, short of his undying love and affection for me. I told him that I really don't understand him, and he tells me that he really doesn't understand himself either and that he would have liked to have woken up with me next to him this morning, but he's not ready for a relationship. So I told him to go and get his shit together and sort himself out and once he's done that, if he still wants me, and everything that goes with being with me, he can pick up the phone and call me and ask me out on a date and maybe we can start afresh. But in the meantime I'm going to get on with my life. I got no reply to that.

Did I do the right thing? I think I did. There was once (and maybe still is) a lot of affection and caring between us. Mr C is a man with who I am supremely comfortable, and we do fit well together. But I'm not prepared to settle with someone who can't, and won't, give me what I want. Too harsh? Maybe, but it has to be done.

Anywho... long one today. I'd better run and get ready for work 'cos I'm running late!


At 3:42 pm, Blogger Carmi said...

Life is too short to accept compromise in anything, much less relationships. If you don't get everything you want out of one, bail.

Back from Michele's.

At 8:35 pm, Blogger Chris Best said...

I totally agree with you. Don't settle for second best. He really needs to sort his shit out, and actually do it. Not just take the short cut of saying he has, and then finding out next week he hasn't really.

So my advice.... let him ask you on a date. Then say no. Then tell him if he still feels like he is ready for that level of a relationship to ask you out in another 6 weeks time.

Don't settle for anything less than the best (but not me). You deserve it.

At 12:52 am, Anonymous colleen said...

You did the right thing. There's a book over here...and Oprah has had the author on. It's called "He's not that into you!" written by a male who says if a man REALLY wants you he will step up to the plate...and be excited about it. Doesn't sound lie he's done that thus far. Words need to be backed up with action.
Hello from Michele's

At 12:58 am, Anonymous Erin said...

You did the right thing. You deserve a man who will give you his all.

I have to go to work now, too. It's a bummer.

Here from Michele's. Enjoy your Labor Day. =)

At 1:31 am, Blogger Janet said...

It's hard to say whether you did the right thing or not...only you can really answer that question. It's a difficult situation, to be sure!

Oh, and hi, Michele sent me :-)

At 1:44 am, Blogger Yaeli said...

I have just realised how dreadful some of my spelling and grammar is in this post. Sorry!!! :o)

At 1:57 am, Blogger JustLinda said...

Hi, Yaeli! Thanks for commenting on my blog. OMG- you're the same age as my oldest daughter.

I had a friend named Yael (gazelle, right?) who moved away a few years back.

Haven't read your blog yet but the subject line of the most recent post cracked me up.

At 2:05 am, Blogger Easy said...

Hi. Michele sent me, but I'll be adding you to my RSS reader. Interesting insights you have.

Oh, and you're doing the right thing. Don't accept any relationship that's not on your terms

At 11:39 am, Anonymous Pearl said...

It's your energies. You know your mind and have dealt with him straight. Ball's in his court.

Michele sent me.

At 11:45 am, Blogger Kevin said...

Hey, you do what you have to do, for yourself. Personally, I think you should have told him about the poolboy. Probably would have made his blood boil.

Oh, and thanks for commenting at and linking Poop'D Culture. I think you might have made me blush, which isn't an easy thing to do.

At 11:51 am, Blogger Mike said...

Don't settle for second best.

Michele sent me.

At 12:38 pm, Blogger Miss Cow is a Cow said...

Good for you!!!

Hello Michele sent me

At 12:44 pm, Blogger yellojkt said...

This is why I am so glad not to be in the dating pool. Relationships and the lack there-of are very complicated nowadays. The whole hanging-out, hook-up, FWB continuium confuses me. I would never know where I stood.

Good luck, but this guy has to earn back some respect after how shallow he's been.

At 12:45 pm, Blogger yellojkt said...

Oh, and michele sent me.

At 12:46 pm, Blogger zazzafooky said...

Kudos to you for getting out that! These types are nothing but a complete waste of time, energy and all that good personal "stuff." Save it all for the right one'll know it's him or at least someone worthy of the effort.

At 12:59 pm, Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Michelle sent me.

Wow, I never got to do the drunk text messaging in my day, though I was leaving a great drunk message on a female friend's answering machine once and I put the phone down, went to the bathroom, got back to the phone and continued with the message.

Hard for me to add advice, don't leap into a creating a screwed up relationship, I guess. Stay smart, be an adult, think about what other people said, read Savage Love, be smart...

At 1:16 pm, Blogger Easy said...

Hi. Michele sent me (again! *lol*)

My opinion is the same

At 1:38 pm, Blogger utenzi said...

I read your post to my girlfriend, Yaeli and her advice to you is that you're doing the right thing. She says she knows because she's involved with someone just like that right now. What??? That wench!

I don't agree with her, of course.

Michele sent me but I adore you anyway.

At 1:39 pm, Blogger dena said...

I agree with you. Never, ever be anyone's matter how comfortable you are together.

At 1:39 pm, Blogger dena said...

Oh, and michele sent me....almost forgot that part.

At 1:44 pm, Blogger Morah Mommy said...

I think you did the right thing. You are worth more than what he is obviously able/willing to give.

Never settle for second best.

Michele sent me, but I would have visited anyway! :)

At 1:45 pm, Anonymous netchick said...

Being a fellow single chick, I understand what you are going through... But!! I've also learned that looking back never works. There's a very good reason why you deleted his numbers. Man, I wish I had done that with Mr. Manipulator over a year ago.

Don't compromise. You know what you want... Settling sucks.

Thanks for the read! It reminded me so much of myself. I saw you on Michele's comments.

At 2:06 pm, Anonymous moonbatty said...

Sounds like he's got commitment problems, but does like you. But yeah- make him sort things out first. You know what you want, he doesn't know what he wants- there's no reason why you should cater to his needs when he has no interest in yours.

I hail from Michele's blog.


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